The show is goof-ball. The humor is quirky, odd. The characters are exaggerated, but loveable. It’s perfect escapism humor. I mean, a manager bowling turkeys in his own store? The whole precept is hilarious. 10 items is shot on location in Reseda, California at a real working grocery store. John Lehr, as Leslie, leads the cast as an inept but good-intentioned manager, trying to keep the family store afloat amidst attempts by the large, corporate SuperValueMart to shut down the store. The show is at it’s core improv comedy guided by a loosely written script.

Season 3 opens with Leslie, the Greens & Grains manager, facing a new foe with Mercy P. Jones, the new SuperValueMart general manager known as the “Velvet Hammer”. She’s determined to shut down Greens & Grains for good and bets Leslie he can’t bowl 3,000 frames of Turkey Bowling without leaving a single pin standing. Carl the maintenance man and Todd the Butcher join in as gambling fever take over the store and the employees of Greens & Grains devolve in an unsupervised mess.

10 Items or Less returns with Season 3 on January 6^th at 11 eastern time. Tune in and let the mad-cap, escapsist humor take your mind off folding banks and credit meltdowns and whatever else you might be facing in 2009.

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Tawnya Jonsek is an ex-programmer spending her time blogging, working on her novel and haunting karaoke bars. She can also be found online at her personal blog and wasting time on Twitter.

Ah 2008, you sorry, piece of shit excuse of a year. So happy to see you skittering across the floor toward the door. You will NOT be missed. What, after all, did you give us? Tina Fey playing the dumbest woman in America and…nothing. Or damn close to it.

But it’s not just what you failed to give us, but how you failed us. Here’s what the bench at DreamLoom think.

Kari G.

The Office.

What can I say? The Office has broken my heart. And mine is not just any heart, mind you: mine is a heart that attended The Office Convention in Scranton in 2007. Alone. Do you know what I’m saying? I was A FAN. And maybe a loon, but that is neither here nor there because the show I used to love the best is now the one I like the least. I have no idea where any of these storylines are going and have stopped caring about what will happen when they get there. I won’t blame it on the pairing of Jim and Pam, because I loved them apart and I love them together, but in general the writers seem to have hit a wall. Two years ago Jim left for Stamford and came back. Last season Ryan left for New York and came back. Then Pam left for New York and came back. Then Toby left for Costa Rica and came back … so can we try something else now? Also, I am fully in favor of maintaining these characters as occasionally (or even primarily) unlikable as long as they are recognizable as people, but that’s no longer the case, either. They’ve all become cartoons.

The death before birth of Good Behavior.

Shame on you, ABC. For the first time since Charlie’s Angels (okay, and Pushing Daisies), you had me in your corner. You actually went ahead and shot the pilot for a new series from Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas, starring the great Catherine O’Hara—my favorite comedic actress of all time—along with Gary Cole, Jeffrey Tambor, and Mae Whitman. And then you killed it before I even had the chance to see it. This is just the sort of grave mistake I have a hard time forgiving, because now I think you’re idiots.

The cancellation of Pushing Daisies.

It’s all about Olive Snook and those two batty, swan-like aunts for me. It wasn’t perfect, but they always aimed for the skies, you know? There’s something inherently noble in the trying, and in the originality and commitment to the vision, and it was a sweet, lovely ride.

Tawnya J.

The cancellation of Dirty Sexy Money.

With a few plothole exceptions I enjoyed the show for the guilty pleasure it was. I mean Donald Sutherland? Come on - it was an awesome show with great talent.

The cancellation of Lipstick Jungle.

When do we ever get to see the women as the successful, have-it-all, corporate giants? Yes, I liked Cashmere Mafia better, but when it was canceled I pinned my hopes on having something fun to watch with Brooke Shields leading the way.

The cancellation of Pushing Daisies.

A delight to the eyes and senses. I enjoyed every show. PD was so much different from most of the crap on TV. The execs could have AT LEAST given it one more season.

Reality TV

I might love American Idol (hey, it requires talent) but other than that reality TV truly sucks. But what really pissed me off was Bachelor Family. The sick, disgusting person who thought it would be clever to involve a child in a stupid “who gets to fuck me” type of show ought be beat and hung up on a light post for a few days.

The only great highlight for me that still is around? Worst Week. Or did that get canceled too? Oh - and the presidential elections. That was interesting. It’s about time Americans appeared to care more about what is going on around them than fluff on TV.

R.A. P.

Disney/ABC/ABC Family.

If you own a third of the network landscape, how is it you can’t find room for Pushing Daisies? Stick it on ABCF, or make a new network if need be. Just find it a damn home. And don’t toy with our emotions: release the DVD set for The Middleman and let Javi go make something else brilliant. I know you’re not going to bring back this quirky, wonderful little show because, well, see Pushing Daisies above. You’re more interested in, I don’t know, stroking Shonda Rhimes insane and fragile ego than putting on quality shows.

Yes, I have personal pain around the PD cancellation, since my rock-goddamn-solid spec script can now be tossed on the ash heap, but I’d throw it away willingly if it meant Olive and Emerson, Ned and Chuck, Pigsby, Digsby, and the wacky, wonderful Aunts were going to be staying around.

Lionsgate.

Alright, I hope this pre-emptive diss at Lionsgate isn’t necessary, but if they don’t resolve Matt Weiner’s goddamn contract soon, they’re going to be tops of every 2009 worst-of list. And because I’m feeling peevish today, I’m putting them here now in anticipation of their stupidity.

Dexter, where are your balls?

Ponied up for Showtime specifically to watch Dexter this year and…was…let down. How down? While I didn’t feel as negatively toward the third-season slip as a lot of critics, I haven’t finished the season. That’s right. There are four episodes sitting on the Tivo, waiting for me to work up the motivation to watch.

NBC.

Ben Silverman’s contract is being extended. Nuff said.

The WGA.

Bunch of fucking pussies. I wanna be a member of this guild someday; hopefully by then the members’ testicles will all have dropped. Because he says it so much better than I, and his FOUR WGA Awards should fucking mean something, lemme reprint Harlan Ellison’s response to the “deal”:

HARLAN ELLISON ON THE WRITERS STRIKE SETTLEMENT

YOU HAVE MY PERMISSION TO RE-POST THIS ANYWHERE:

Creds: got here in 1962, written for just about everybody, won the Writers Guild Award four times for solo work, sat on the WGAw Board twice, worked on negotiating committees, and was out on the picket lines with my NICK COUNTER SLEEPS WITH THE FISHE$$$ sign. You may have heard my name. I am a Union guy, I am a Guild guy, I am loyal. I fuckin’ LOVE the Guild.

And I voted NO on accepting this deal.

My reasons are good, and they are plentiful; Patric Verrone will be saddened by what I am about to say; long-time friends will shake their heads; but this I say without equivocation…

THEY BEAT US LIKE A YELLOW DOG. IT IS A SHIT DEAL. We finally got a timorous generation that has never had to strike, to get their asses out there, and we had to put up with the usual cowardly spineless babbling horse’s asses who kept mumbling “lessgo bac’ta work” over and over, as if it would make them one iota a better writer. But after months on the line, and them finally bouncing that pus-sucking dipthong Nick Counter, we rushed headlong into a shabby, scabrous, underfed shovelfulla shit clutched to the affections of toss-in-the-towel summer soldiers trembling before the Awe of the Alliance.

My Guild did what it did in 1988. It trembled and sold us out. It gave away the EXACT co-terminus expiration date with SAG for some bullshit short-line substitute; it got us no more control of our words; it sneak-abandoned the animator and reality beanfield hands before anyone even forced it on them; it made nice so no one would think we were meanies; it let the Alliance play us like the village idiot. The WGAw folded like a Texaco Road Map from back in the day.

And I am ashamed of this Guild, as I was when Shavelson was the prexy, and we wasted our efforts and lost out on technology that we had to strike for THIS time. 17 days of streaming tv!!!????? Geezus, you bleating wimps, why not just turn over your old granny for gang-rape?

You deserve all the opprobrium you get. While this nutty festschrift of demented pleasure at being allowed to go back to work in the rice paddy is filling your cowardly hearts with joy and relief that the grips and the staff at the Ivy and street sweepers won’t be saying nasty shit behind your back, remember this:

You are their bitches. They outslugged you, outthought you, outmaneuvered you; and in the end you ripped off your pants, painted yer asses blue, and said yes sir, may I have another.

Please excuse my temerity. I’m just a sad old man who has fallen among Quislings, Turncoats, Hacks and Cowards.

I must go now to whoops. My gorge has become buoyant.

Respectfully, Yr. Pal, Harlan Ellison

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Ai-ight. That’s more like it. At this point, I’m wondering whether Rogers, Downey, and Devlin have a mind probing satellite in geosynchronous orbit. A satellite tuned to my brain waves so they can put a show on the air specifically tailored to my tastes. Because this one? This one was exactly up my alley.

Here’s my checklist:

• Twists that feel organic.¹
• Massive geekery from Hardison.
• Sophie doing an accent that sounded *unlike* her own accent.
• Timothy Hutton in a cowboy hat.²
• The team acting like a *team*.
• Eliot getting in at least one good one-liner before kicking someone’s ass.
• Parker being Parker.
• Hardison being Hardison.

Add to that a fantastic scene-chewing turn from HITG Michael O’Neill and you’ve got a near-perfect hour of television.

Look, I’m not going to try to convince you this is important or meaningful; it’s not. I’ve been rewatching The West Wing, and even the weaker years still have spine tingling moments that a show like Leverage is never going to achieve. But you know what? It’s not TWW. It’s not FNL. It’s an hour of light action that aims squarely for entertainment and hits its mark far more than it misses it.

The original rip deal the team was pulling on Judge Roy doesn’t seem very well thought out, as I’m pretty sure he would have gone gunning for Nate when he realized he’d been scammed, but that’s a small complaint about an otherwise excellent episode. Each thread, neatly tied in a bow by the end, where even the Feds who came into town aren’t going to be overly concerned about what happened because they’re getting a big drug bust.

Some other thoughts:

• I really enjoyed the crosstalk between Eliot and Deputy Arnold as Eliot’s talking with Nate over the wireless and Deputy Dawg’s being all officious.
• Parker and Hardison showing up in the product placement Hyundai when they returned in FBI windbreakers.
• Hardison’s pack of Chupacabras.
• “Old Virgil up there, he’s a crack shot.”
• Deputy Dawg following SOP he learned from his online seminar in crisis management.
• Boss Hog!

What did everyone else think?

1. Remember the rules of drama: ending with a deus ex machina is cheap, but any setup is allowed.
2. I think it’s the stark contrast with the clean cut, WASP-y roles of his youth that makes me appreciate that.

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Look, man! You’re lucky on this deadline I didn’t give you a baking soda volcano.

Remember in last week’s review, when I expressed my concern that Leverage might wear out its welcome if every episode involved helping out someone from the team’s past? That’s because I’d already seen “The Miracle Job” and knew that two consecutive episodes had done that very thing. It’s a small complaint, but I would really rather see strangers taking advantage of the services of Leverage Consulting & Associates.

However, if they were all going to be as much fun as this one, I wouldn’t make much of a fuss over it.

It’s so obvious that Father Paul was beaten up to keep him from speaking to the city council, so it’s a wonder the LAPD weren’t looking harder for the cholo who rolled him. Then again, they’re still busy digging up all the graves Vic Mackey left around town, so they might be too busy to help out one priest. But not Nate and the team.

Nate’s history with this church makes this important to him. This isn’t just his friend’s parish: it’s where his son was baptized, where his son was laid to rest. I actually would have liked to have seen the script spend a little more time on how important this church is to Nate’s life - is it where he was married as well? I realize they’re constrained on time, but could easily cut more of Parker’s lines to give everyone else more room to work. God knows I think Beth Riesgraf’s cute as a button, but the more screentime Parker gets the less I want to see her.

Still, we got some more back story for Nate and got so see some more character evolution. Eliot now shares elaborate handshakes with Hardison instead of icy stares, the team strains mightily to find something - anything - nice to say about Sophie’s performance as Willy Loman, and Nate maybe was reminded a little by Paul that how you do a thing is as important as what your goals are.

Rogers recently said the template for the show is, “they start with Plan A. Plan A goes wrong/requires Con B. Con B doesn’t quite work out, or instead is really Con C disguised as Con B.” Let’s see how that fits tonight:

• Con A - Making St. Nicholas weep. First off, it works too well and gets too much attention, both from the public and the Vatican. Worse, it gives Grant the idea for Bibletopia, a “lifestyle and recreation center”¹
• Con B - Making St. Nicholas disappear during Father Paul’s sermon. But he spots Parker outside, sees right through it. Leading to…
• Con C - This is what Con B really is. Framing Grant for all the fakery in front of the press, the parish, and the police. A little guilt-enhanced assist from Tomas is all that’s needed to complete the con.

Those who think having a template like that is restrictive - or worse, those who don’t approve of templates - mustn’t watch much television. There are precious few shows that don’t follow a formula much like this one - Mad Men being the only one I can think of right now - week in and week out. It’s the style within the the template that matters.

Some other thoughts:

• Paul: “The Vatican’s here. You and I both know what that means.” Nate: “Yeah, break out the grappa.”²
• I loved Hardison’s test St. Nicholases, especially the health warnings that accompanied them. I believe every piece of Hardison’s new tech comes with associated health warnings.
• Hardison’s “niche” is beating up the injured.
• Sophie playing Willy Loman as a man. I now want to see Gina Bellman star in America’s greatest tragedy.
• I thoroughly enjoyed the business negotiations between Eliot and the gang leader. Once the standoff was over and he knew one of his boys had gone rogue, it played out very humorously.
• Stigmata gun!
• Yes, if you’re wondering, St. Nicholas is the patron saint of reformed thieves.
• We know quite a bit more about Nate and Sophie now, don’t we? He never strayed, but it sounds like they walked a razor’s edge with their flirtation. I’m looking forward to us meeting Maggie³ and finding out more about that period in Nate’s life. Do Maggie and Sophie know one another? Are they friendly or antagonistic?

What did everyone else think?

1. Dollyworld for the devout.
2. Wow. He must really have it in for the Vatican. Unless there’s someone in the world who *doesn’t* gag on grappa.
3. Someday. Not next week, please. Next week: please help strangers.

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Oh Jiminy Jehoshaphat! I went out on a limb for you people. A tree limb, jutting from a cliff with my limbs dangling over certain death. So don’t leave me dangling with Dwight’s disappearance.

In a break from format, tonight’s episode of Pushing Daisies eschewed the MoW and was all the stronger for it. Tying up loose threads, before dropping some new ones, tonight was all about Charles’s disappearance and Dwight’s death.

Vivian, as innocent and naive as ever, asks Emerson for help tracking down her missing paramour, Dwight Dixon. But Emerson already knows where Dwight can be found, six feet underground where he left him. But treating Vivian roughly to convince her she’s been abandoned doesn’t work: she hires The Norwegians.

All tall and beautiful, the Norwegians and their pimped out RV, MOTHER, take the case and get cracking. It doesn’t take long to figure out something is amiss. Dwight’s room was filled with guns and ammo and Lily’s note to meet her at the cemetery. When confronted, Lily just shows Vivian the watches she liberated from Dwight’s room which only serves to hurt Vivian more.

Undercover Olive does some recon and plays nice with the Norwegians, although it looks to Emerson as though Itty Bitty has betrayed him. For a few minutes I thought she might have been the one to move Dwight’s body to protect Ned and Chuck, but I was mistaken. Her only significant accomplishment - a big one - during her stint with the Norwegians was helping Ned steal MOTHER. That, and throwing the trio off the scent by saying she was attacked by men and beaten with “blue and white socks” - Swedes!

While Chuck spends the hour believing her undeparted father is watching over her, in the end it is Ned’s father who saves them all. The ageless George Hamilton¹ moved Dwight’s body, set up the death scene in the motel room, and rescued Ned and Olive from their precarious position.

Some other thoughts:

• The Emerson Cod of the first season would never have taken the heat off Ned and Chuck. The progression week to week was imperceptible, but looking back the evolution of their relationships becomes obvious.
• “Allow me to soap up those hard-to-reach places.”
• How happy for Olive to finally hear that Ned has had thoughts about her…
• Olive’s beautiful homage to Superman: “If you’ve got me, who’s got you?”
• Daddy Deadbucks! Unfortunately, the sun won’t be coming out tomorrow for Pushing Daisies.
• A great trio for the Norwegians: the always awesome Orlando Jones; Michael Weaver, who earns a permanent place of distinction for being a Broken Lizard regular; and Ivana Milicevic. I couldn’t place her, even though I knew I should but IMDB filled in my memory gap: Mrs. Riley Finn.

What did everyone else think?

1. !

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

In Mo Ryan’s recap/preview of FNL’s third season she pointed out how much this season has replayed the greatest hits of season one.¹ That’s certainly true, but is to be expected to a certain extent in a show about teenagers. After all, while it feels horribly unique and unprecedented when you’re living through it, age and perspective show us that the teenage experience is common across the generations.

Fathers and sons fight. Daughters grow into women. Our parents and grandparents grow smaller and feebler before our eyes.

But while I’m all for some repetition of themes and motifs, tonight actually irritated me. Tell me if any of this sounds familiar to you:

• QB1 has a public fight with his father, talks with Coach in the Taylor backyard about it.
• The boosters do something morally questionable and Coach goes along quietly.
• Matt has to deal with Grandma’s deteriorating mental health.
• A game is won in the final seconds.
• Lyla whines.²
• Tyra’s mom tells her she’s going to achieve all her dreams - college, a great life, everything.

I tricked you there, didn’t I? I mean, all the rest, sure, we’ve seen those before. But since when has Tyra’s mother ever thought Tyra should even *want* to do more? WTF?

This was a servicable episode, but it wasn’t particularly organic. The writers clearly have plans for the characters and moved them around the board tonight to get them positioned for the endgame. A show that shines when things are still was bogged down with bookkeeping and plot manipulation and I was sad to see it.

Only Matt’s story was emotionally gripping for me tonight and that’s just because Zach Gilford and Louanne Stephens grabbed their scenes and wouldn’t let go. I’ll miss the easy chemistry Matt and his Grandma have, both in lighthearted material and in the scenes that rip my heart out like tonight’s slippers breakdown. I have always felt like a voyeur into a real home whenever we get a scene in the Saracen house. That’s not true - for me, anyway - anywhere else in Dillon. Not even the Taylor’s bedroom.

On other fronts…

• Tyra improved her SAT scores only a fraction, but still no one thinks to suggest a year at a junior college would open a lot of doors for her.
• Mindy throws down one hell of a tea party. Kudos to Landry for his cuke-slicing.
• Joe McCoy really is a cardboard cutout of a villain. D.W. Moffett and Jeremy Sumpter have been criminally underutilized this season.
• I keep waiting for Riggins to do something stupid, but apparently that’s all behind him now.
• I keep waiting for Lyla to do something stupid, then I remember she sleeps in Riggins’ bed, so I can stop waiting.
• No mention of Wade taking over the team last week. That either means it’s been permanently dropped…or he’s being setup to be Eric’s primary rival for a potential season four when Dillon is partitioned.

As you no doubt have guessed, I liked this episode a lot less than the average for the season. It was obviously much better than any of the dross from last year, but the needs of plot got in the way of the character moments I care about. I hope the writers have put everyone where they need them for the final two episodes so we can get back to the meat of FNL. Let every storyline be as real as Matt’s.

What did everyone else think? Am I just being too negative tonight?

1. And fortunately did NOT put any dead bodies in the trunks of cars.
2. I’m kidding, of course. She does that EVERY episode.

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

Sophie: I don’t know what comes of chasing the past, Eliot.
Eliot: Well Sophie, sweetie, I don’t think you and Nate get to serve me that particular meal.

If I had to highlight one concern I have about the legs on Leverage, it would be on display in tonight’s episode. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a finely crafted hour of television with some twisty goodness, but its entire premise is that someone on the team has to help someone from his past. I don’t want to spend every week learning about Eliot’s lost love or Hardison’s old buddies in the AV club, or Parker’s…whatever psychiatric nurse she really liked in her youth. Instead I want strangers tracking down Leverage Consulting & Associates - preferably talking to Nate while he wears kooky disguises - and asking for help.

Eliot’s got history with Willy and Aimee Martin, a history of a future derailed. He was engaged to be engaged to Aimee, guest star Jaime Ray Newman (Heroes, Veronica Mars,) but hit the road and never returned. Eliot’s chosen profession doesn’t lend itself to domesticated bliss, and he apparently spent some time undergoing “enhanced coercive interrogation techniques” when he should have been back home tending his relationship. Ain’t that always the way? You meet a girl, give her a promise ring, and then get captured and beaten over a monkey.

It’s not just Eliot’s past come back to haunt him. Nate and the team come up against Jim Sterling, played by genre fave Mark Sheppard (Serenity, The Middleman).¹ Sterling’s got a hardon for Nate and gets in the way from the act one break. Sure the team’s conned the bad guy and gotten Baltimore back for Willy, but Sterling’s not going to let that stand. He threatens to pin the stable fire on Willy just to spite Nate. Damn you, Badger!

While Sterling is the big bad, the real villain of the episode is Alan Foss, played to smarmy perfection by Rick Hoffman. And you can’t get much more villainous than Foss. I mean, the guy’s a hedge fund manager! He might as well have announced he kicks puppies and juggles kittens. We know he started the fire. No punishment could be severe enough, but taking him for $12M and setting him up for fraud is better than nothing.

The fixed poker game was really too easy, so when Sterling shows up, the team needs to try a more elaborate con. What better con to play with horses - animals with family trees so carefully plotted they have chips in their necks² with identification information that can be checked in a central database - than the Lost Heir. Using yet another horse to play the role of their scion of a Chinese horse dynasty, the team convinces Foss that he has the perfect horse in his reach. Typical of a Wall Street guy to make a snap decision based on hype and limited information. Also typical to trust the same people who were sitting around the poker table in the beginning. His arrogance and naivety really knows no bounds.

When it all finally goes south, Sterling doesn’t say a word. IYS doesn’t have to pay out the policy and that’s all that matters in the short-term. Long-term, he’ll be watching Nate.

Some other thoughts:

• I adored Parker’s horse-clown flashback. Seriously messed up, and seriously funny that she would think that was a real horse, somehow.
• Hardison: “Okay, hi, yes. Everybody? Y’all want to take over the briefings? I go to a lot of trouble to make these things interesting. Have a little something visual for the visual learners, and the auditory learners.”
• I loved the way both Sterling and the team use the Chinese tourists to further their games. Very clever the way everyone got what they wanted out of that. Except Foss, of course.
• In the penultimate scene, when Eliot and Aimee say their goodbyes, that’s Christian Kane singing his own song “More Than I Deserve”. Fans of Angel will already know Kane’s got an excellent voice.

What did everyone else think?

1. Duh. Of course I could put BSG there. But I wanted to give a shoutout to my beloved Middleman.
2. I didn’t know this, but John Rogers is a research junkie; I’m sure it’s true.

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.

So! Battlestar Galactica: what should we talk about? Hmmm… How about the new Gaeta-based webisodes that kicked off last Friday? (Blood! Drugs! Interdepartmental kissing! Lost in space!) Or the cryptically irritating teasers that Sci Fi is doling out, web-wise, and those new Angry Adama promos? Or the baffling Starbuck’s Boobs poster that just popped onto the radar? Or how about the final half of the final season starting in less than six weeks, and the fact that we’ve been waiting since JUNE 14 TO GET THE FRAK ON WITH IT?

Actually we are going to talk about my favorite character, who is of course Lee “Formerly Apollo” Adama, that wearer of cheekbones, expertly mussed hair, and pinstripe suit. Oops! Just kidding: I hate Lee. What a whiny, self-righteous, goody-two-shoes blowhard. He can’t out himself as the last Cylon soon enough for me, because maybe then he will finally get what’s coming to him, which is a Microsoft Zune. Either that or Starbuck and Dualla kicking him around in the towel area, just for being such a wiener. (And I just made a whole bunch of instant best friends with that angry little fake spoiler/scary feminist rant, didn’t I? But this is the way of things. Also, I think it’s best to lay my oddball likes, dislikes, and stylistic writing tics out here in the beginning, because ultimately it will save us all a lot of time.)

And what we’re really doing today is launching a little series called “Great Moments in BSG,” starting with my actual favorite character, Laura Roslin. (She of the glasses, neverending death watch, and brand-new old boyfriend.) Mary McDonnell, after all, is the reason I tuned in to begin with, because who would make a more level-headed president for the 49,000-something human survivors of a nuclear apocalypse than Donnie Darko’s eminently sane and sympathetic mother? And who else could get me to turn on the Sci Fi channel? (Note to Sci Fi: nobody.) Naturally I never suspected that she would turn out to be such a morally wifty, power-hoarding nutbar, but then head-snapping surprises and shape-shifting character curveballs are part of what BSG does best, and one of the reasons I’ll follow this show gladly, wherever it leads.

I had a tough time narrowing this one down, though, because Laura Roslin is such a conundrum. I mean, do we celebrate the Good Laura or the Borderline Evil Laura? Or both? I love both. I love how she tries to save mankind by remaking the rules as she sees fit and without answering to anybody, which is exactly what we loathe about Some World Leaders, but that’s also why BSG is so brilliant: just when you think you’ve picked a side, they show you another side and make it make just as much sense. And how she went from the soft-spoken Secretary of Education, tentatively accepting her new presidential authority in the miniseries, to a brutally detached pseudo-dictator who was willing to not only let Baltar die but to help him along in “The Hub,” was nothing short of remarkable. Plus, that moment when she finally, finally stepped back inside of herself and admitted to Adama that she loves him? Oh, my little shipper heart was officially breaking with joy and relief, even knowing the future looks grim for them both. Or maybe because of it. There can be no happy without the sad.

Yet for all that, for my favorite Madame President moment I have to go with something simpler and smaller, and maybe even sadder:

CROSSROADS, PT I.
It comes down to this—five small words on the witness stand. Five syllables. A plea to an old friend, the saddest whisper: “Please don’t do this. Please.” (Which, according to Ronald D. Moore, was a Mary McDonnell ad lib.) And then, so quietly, in that sweet, private Laura Roslin schoolteacher voice, the Laura Roslin we met so many lifetimes ago, when she first felt the weight of the world fall onto her shoulders, who could never have imagined doing all of the things that she’s done: “Captain Apollo—you remember that? I always thought it had such a nice ring to it. I am so, so sorry for you now.” Mourning them both, right before she turns back into the cold-blooded pragmatist she never thought she’d have to be. But it was nice to be reminded that the schoolteacher was still living in there, somewhere, waiting to see daylight again, even if she did it all with one sharp, calculating eye on her own rapidly fleeting agenda.

Whew! Now that we got that out of the way, you can tell me some of your favorites: scenes, characters, episodes, lines, hairstyles, battle scars, whatever. And I’ll be nicer to Lee the next time around. Promise.

I have two theories. One, Chase gets killed, Karen has amnesia and Patrick is in a coma. Chase gets hit by a police officer’s bullet. It’s a convenient way to get rid of Patrick’s ‘problem’ and the Darlings avoid a messy investigation into Ellen’s death. Karen, after being knocked out, forgets she was going to even marry Simon Elder and is able to pursue Nick without any resentment. And Patrick, comatosed, is tucked away for a while, earning public sympathy making it easier for him to get together with Carmelita when he wakes up.

Theory number two: Carmelita is killed, Chase is in a coma and Patrick has amnesia. Carmelita is out of the way and Tripp no longer has to worry she will ruin his son’s political career. Chase is unable to expose what he thinks is his sister’s murder but the threat still hangs in the background for the Darlings. Patrick has amnesia and doesn’t even know his wife is dead.

What do you think? Who do you think bit the dust last night? And how in the world can we convince ABC to change their minds and renew Dirty Sexy Money?

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Tawnya Jonsek is an ex-programmer spending her time blogging, working on her novel and haunting karaoke bars. She can also be found online at her personal blog and wasting time on Twitter.

A pie is simple it’s limited. Just a bit of pastry and filling. Cake is complex, layered with treasures waiting to be discovered. Which one do you choose?

Pushing Daisies is just bold enough that I believed there was a small chance Chuck would leave with her father tonight. Not forever necessarily, but at this late date it might as well be. I honestly did not know whether Chuck would choose cake or pie, so when she told Ned her spoon landed right where she was, I was glad. But I didn’t buy that her father was going to be happy about it. He’s chosen too, and his spoon is taking him, and Ned’s car, elsewhere.

In some ways I can’t fault Charles Charles. After all, he’s been brought back to life by the same whippersnapper who killed him, inadvertent though it might have been. He’s decayed so far he needs to be permanently swaddled. His daughter is alive-again and stuck on the most dangerous man in her universe.

Then there’s Ned and all his very controlling rules. Ned’s not the sort to leave much to chance or serendipity, so in his eyes not only are the rules necessary, but they are second nature. He knows he’d never touch Chuck because the rules are a part of who he is. But Charles chafes under the strictures. And Charles wants to get out of town with Chuck to take her on the adventures she’d planned as a little girl.

With a fun little broom fight in the kitchen, Ned and Charles try to stake their flags, but in the end it’s Chuck who must decide what she wants. She wants Ned so Charles ditches.

On the MoW front, we’ve got another easy one, though the killer did it for different reasons than I’d guessed.

After being lost for 10 years on a deserted island, Merle McQuoddy came home to his wife and son, but there was trouble in the lighthouse. Too much time had passed and Nora had begun a relationship with another man and joined the Notable Widows of Papen County and become dear friends with Annabelle Vandersloop. What I didn’t see coming was either having an affair with Augustus Papen.

I assumed Annabelle had killed Nora in a misguided attempt at killing Merle because she didn’t want her friend to NOT be a widow any longer.

The most interesting outcome of the MoW was the deepening of the friendship between Olive and Emerson. She helped him get over his hatred of rainy days by talking to him about his breakup and why rainy days botherered him so much. He talked to her about her resurgent feelings for Ned and told her she’d always have a place with him. Chi McBride and Kristin Chenowith have really sweet chemistry together, magnified by their extreme physical differences. Add to that Chenowith’s generosity as a performer, always making everyone else in a scene shine, and watching them together is a lot of fun.

One more thing to miss about this show.

Other thoughts:

• I can tell you this much about the show: it takes place east of the Mississippi. TV station WNKW was on the TV.
• The other two times the call letters WNKW have been used? The dreadful Jodie Foster movie The Brave One and Leo McGarry’s preferred radio station.¹
• I liked the quick and clever exchange between Chuck and Charles in the closet when the aunts came in. “Except for the one that’s my mother.” Whenever another show would take an hour to dole out a story, Pushing Daisies manages to jump by it in half a scene.
• Ned quickly forgiving Chuck because he knows how he felt when he kept her alive.
• Elliot McQuoddy motorboating the girls’ girls and their reactions to him.
• Annabelle’s constant digs at Olive and her lack of happiness.
• The broom fight wasn’t quite as exciting as Ned’s sword fight from season one, but still fun to watch.
• Annabelle’s big ol’ barrel of gunpowder. I was expecting to see Elmer Fudd pop his head from behind it.

What did everyone else think?

1. The latter is according to the Internet. How often is *that* wrong.

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R.A. Porter is an aspiring television writer who currently toils away in the software mines. He can be found at his personal blog and stalked on Twitter.