![\"fotc_prostitutes\"](\"http:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/01\/fotc_prostitutes1.jpg\" "\\"fotc_prostitutes\\"")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
In the world of the Conchords, every decision has its consequences and every action carries its weight in impending disaster, so in the whole grand, daisy-chain scheme of things, it\u2019s not only plausible but inevitable that the purchase of a nondescript tea cup for the princely sum of $2.79 would be what finally leads one of them to prostitution and both of them to jail.
\n<\/p>\n
To wit: driven by the desire to enjoy a hot cup of tea at the same time as his BFF, Bret goes on a hog wild spending spree and brings home a brand new mug, which is actually very likely used. By doing so, of course, he\u2019s not only asserting his independence but demonstrating a brazen disregard for Jemaine\u2019s cup roster, which has them splitting up their cup use in two-hour increments that end at around 3:00 in the morning, when they give the cup a rest. (And what no one\u2019s asking in regards to that cup roster is how does it take one person two hours to drink a cup of tea? And maybe all that tea drinking is the reason they\u2019re up until 3:00 A.M. anyway? Or how is it that Jemaine manages to play both father and mother in this relationship, and sometimes in the span of a single sentence, as with his final sigh of exasperation on the new cup purchase: \u201cOkay, I just need a second to calm down.\u201d)<\/p>\n
The downward spiral part kicks in a month later, when Jemaine notices that their bank account is short to the tune of exactly $2.79. Only his remarkably accurate bookkeeping comes too late to save their checks to the phone, gas, and electric companies, all of which bounce at approximately the same time, leaving them in the dark without a fan. This forces Bret to pawn his guitar and spend all his earnings on handmade Superstraws (\u201cfor people who need to drink from far away\u201d) that he will sell on the street to the tune of $1 apiece, which in no way makes up for the $2.50 he\u2019s spending on parts and assembly for each. But it does give them the opportunity to play a gig with only Jemaine\u2019s bass for accompaniment, leading a confused Murray into a glorious riff on Dad and Mum guitars and how only the deaf could possibly hear Bret\u2019s mimed strumming. (My favorite bit here, though, was Murray having to double check his agenda to be sure that Bret is in fact supposed to have a guitar. Nobody does those tiny, wordless character moments like Rhys Darby.)<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Murray\u2019s latest moneymaking scheme has led to him to invest the band\u2019s emergency fund with a new friend from Nigeria, who contacted him via Internet letter. He\u2019s outraged when Jemaine points out that it\u2019s a scam: \u201cWhy would someone want to scam me, Jemaine? And on the Internet service, one of the trusted things of today\u2019s society?\u201d Why indeed. His review of the Conchords\u2019 latest gig for the New Zealand Consulate newsletter isn\u2019t much help either (bothered as he was by the presence of only \u201cthe Dad guitar, or \u2018bass\u2019 in muso terms\u201d), leading him to award the band a whopping two stars out of 100.<\/p>\n
This lopsided new musical arrangement baffles even Mel, although she\u2019s not entirely put off by it: \u201cIs that just something I\u2019ll have to get used to?\u201d And when she learns of their money troubles, she\u2019s glad to lend a hand. Naturally, being Mel, she\u2019d like some goods and services in return for payment rendered, or in this case a massage, which is delivered by Bret but mostly Jemaine, right in front of Doug, and consists mostly of Jemaine patting Mel on the arm while she moans in ecstasy. But it\u2019s her comment that \u201cI feel like I\u2019ve hired a gigolo\u201d that really sets the Conchords\u2019 wheels of brilliance spinning.<\/p>\n
And any conversation that starts out with this line\u2014\u201cBret, you know how you told me you were good at sex?\u201d\u2014is obviously leading to brilliance, as Jemaine deduces, by the power of Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, that prostitution is a quick way of making money, as well as a nice and not degrading way to get paid to have sex with pretty women. Which then leads him to boast, in the lobby of a crummy Chinese restaurant, that \u201cThe ladies go crazy for my sugarlumps.\u201d<\/p>\n
Insert: \u201cSugarlumps,\u201d featuring a special guest star rap from Dave.<\/em> Back to the streets it is, and this time what\u2019s being sold is a big ol\u2019 slice of Conchord, along with a free sampling of nut loaf to try and seal the deal. Too bad nobody\u2019s pimping does much good, leading Jemaine to tell Bret he\u2019ll probably have to go all the way, to which Bret replies, \u201cJust hugs until I get more confident.\u201d Likewise Bret\u2019s own selling skills fall short, as he explains to a confused woman that Jemaine is \u201ca player, a night owl. 20-40-60. Okay, 10-30-50.\u201d while Jemaine scratches himself across the street. So: no go.<\/p>\n In the meantime, their instrument count has officially plunged from one to none, as has their star rating in Murray\u2019s latest newsletter review, titled \u201cFlight of the No-chords\u201d: \u201cIt was hard to tell if the band was a band or a mime troop. No stars.\u201d Zero out of 100? That\u2019s pretty rough. He then walks them though the 14-year timeline he\u2019s devised to get their guitars back and informs them they\u2019re now all out of gigs except for Bret\u2019s sign job, which Bret points out isn\u2019t a gig at all but his own real job, and therefore not deserving of a cut for Murray. Poor Murray, whose lucky Nigerian funds have as of yet failed to materialize. Still, he gazes fondly at his circa-1985 computer, dreaming of his own better future.<\/p>\n Then it\u2019s back to the streets once more in search of whoring opportunities, as Jemaine tries via phone message to retroactively collect a fee for sexual maneuvers performed with a lady friend a full year earlier. (\u201cMaybe about $40 a time,\u201d he proposes. \u201cThat\u2019s $3 off.\u201d) He\u2019s joined by Bret, who today is earning money by giving away free condoms while dressed as the human condom. But his luck really turns later, when landlord Eugene feeds him with all kinds of useful prostitution tips gleaned from a book called \u201cHow to Get It Done,\u201d which pretty much boils down to \u201ctry airport hotels.\u201d<\/p>\n Thus Jemaine is absent during the next band meeting, throwing Murray for a real loop and leading to a neat little exchange with Bret wherein they debate the specifics of Jemaine\u2019s new gig and whether or not he\u2019s a \u201cmale\u201d prostitute, and which ends with Murray telling Bret that Jemaine \u201cshouldn\u2019t be out there selling himself to the street!\u201d All of this of course going on right in front of Murray\u2019s new Nigerian business partner, Nigel Soladu, who has indeed shown up to deliver Murray\u2019s blessed ROI, as well as thanks for his trust and generosity. And let\u2019s just hope Murray uses some of those funds to buy himself a new shirt, because pistachio does him no favors whatsoever.<\/p>\n Bret then runs off to try to save Jemaine, and is sent by Eugene in the general direction of an airport.<\/p>\n Insert: \u201cYou Don\u2019t Have To Be a Prostitute,\u201d featuring Eugene on the steel drums.<\/em> And then we get what we have all been waiting for, which is the sight of Jemaine lounging on a hotel bed in his \u201cMidnight Cowboy\u201d uniform while explaining his hooking rules to the woman he has somehow managed to entice: \u201cOne, no laughing, especially during. Okay? Puts me off. Two, if you go overtime, then I\u2019m gonna have to charge you for the next twenty minutes.\u201d Steep! And three, he likes the clients to shower first, which she leaves to do while he arranges what looks to be a Ziploc-wrapped sandwich on the pillow.<\/p>\n Naturally this is when Bret shows up, just in the nick of time yet neither wanted nor needed by Jemaine. Meaning Jemaine has grown pretty excited about his new line of work, and is busy trying to hustle his little buddy back out the door when the cops (called ahead of time by Bret) show up to arrest them both: Jemaine for prostituting his own nut loaf and Bret for admitting that he\u2019s \u201cjust the guy that wears the big condom.\u201d<\/p>\n Off to the clink it is, then, where Bret is instantly bored and Jemaine seems mostly satisfied to have been proven right: \u201cI knew if you bought a cup, we\u2019d end up in jail.\u201d So say we all. Murray\u2019s not so thrilled, though, when he shows up to bail them out, as he’s been forced to use all his earnings from the Nigel Soladu Fund. Although it does give him the chance to call them both \u201cjailhouse turkeys\u201d which, again, so say we all.<\/p>\n And cue the end credits, where we see the Conchords standing in the middle of their living room when the electricity finally comes back on, triggering all the lights and the aforementioned fan, which kicks off another sad chain of events that ends with Bret\u2019s new cup\u2014whose final tally equaled $2.79 and a whole world of trouble\u2014falling to the floor and smashing into little tiny bits, right before his eyes.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" In the world of the Conchords, every decision has its consequences and every action carries its weight in impending disaster, so in the whole grand, daisy-chain scheme of things, it\u2019s not only plausible but inevitable that the purchase of a nondescript tea cup for the princely sum of $2.79 would be what finally leads one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[33,39],"class_list":["post-736","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-flight-of-the-conchords","tag-hbo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/736","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=736"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/736\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=736"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=736"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=736"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nLet me tell you:
\nI see you girls checking out my trunks.
\nI see you girls checking out the front of my trunks.
\nI see you girls looking at my junk,
\nThen checking out my rump,
\nThen back to my sugarlumps.
\nWhen I shake it, I shake it all up.
\nYou probably think that my pants have the mumps.
\nIt\u2019s just my sugarlumps. bump-ba-bumps.
\nThey look so good, that\u2019s why I keep \u2018em in the front.
\nAll the ladies checking out my sugarlumps\u2014
\nThey drive the ladies crazy.
\nAll these bitches checking out my britches,
\nPut \u2018em in a trance when I wear track pants.
\nMy dungarees make them hunger-ees,
\nThey\u2019re over the moon when I don pantaloons.
\nMy sugarlumps are two of a kind,
\nSweet and white and highly refined.
\nHoneys try all kinds of tomfoolery
\nTo steal a feel of my family jewelry.
\nMy cannonballs cause a kerfuffle.
\nThe ladies, they hustle to ruffle my truffle.
\nIf you party with the party prince,
\nYou get two complimentary after-dinner mints.
\nWe see you girls checking out our trunks.
\nWe see you girls checking out the front of our trunks.
\nWe see you girls looking at our junk,
\nThen checking out our rumps,
\nThen back to our sugarlumps.
\nInsert Dave\u2019s rap:<\/em>
\nChillin\u2019 at my store, doin\u2019 my thing
\nWhen in walks a guy with his dick in a sling.
\nI\u2019m like, \u201cHoly shit, what happened to you?\u201d
\nHe said, \u201cHow much will you give me for the family jewels?\u201d
\nI said, \u201cTen bucks.\u201d
\nHe said, \u201cNo way!\u201d
\n\u201cTen bucks and a Frisbee!\u201d
\nHe said, \u201cOkay!\u201d
\nThen I took his sugarlumps and put \u2018em up in a display,
\nI sold \u2018em as hacky sacks later that day.
\nAll the ladies, they want a taste of my sugarlumps,
\nSweet sugarlumps, yeah.
\nAll the ladies, they want a taste of my sugarlumps.
\nSweet sugarlumps.<\/p>\n
\nIt\u2019s a cold night beneath a streetlight,
\nThere\u2019s a man whose pants are too tight.
\nOh no, his pants are too tight.
\n(My pants are too tight.)
\nHe stands there, an empty stare,
\nTrying to make enough money for his cab fare home:
\nHe\u2019ll have to walk home tonight
\n(Don\u2019t have enough for the ride.)
\nThe streets are cruel, he tries to act cool,
\nHe goes to work with only his one tool.
\nYou can put away your tool, Jemaine.
\nYou don\u2019t have to be a prostitute.
\nNo no no no no.
\nYou can say no to being a man-ho,
\nA male gigolo.
\nYou don\u2019t have to be a prostitute.
\nNo no no no no.
\nYou can say no to being a night-look, a boy hook,
\nA rent boy bro-pro\u2026
\nHe can\u2019t see his way out.
\n(I cannot see my way out.)
\nHe can\u2019t see his way out
\n(Male prostitution seems to be my only option.)
\nHe can\u2019t say his way out.
\n(I cannot see my way out.)
\nHe can\u2019t say his way out.
\n(No no no no no.)
\nHe\u2019s selling cheap thrills to pay expensive bills,
\nBut check your resume you must have some other skills.
\nDo you have any other skills\u2026like typing?
\nThey see him wanting to please them,
\nWanting to play them but they don\u2019t even pay him.
\nOh no, no, they don\u2019t think he\u2019s worth it at all.
\nThough they are no one, he tries to bring them home,
\nMaybe it\u2019d be okay if he lived alone.
\nOoh, you have a roommate, Jemaine, don\u2019t bring them home.
\nYou don\u2019t have to be a prostitute.
\nNo no no no no.
\nYou can say no to being a man-ho,
\nA male gigolo.
\nYou don\u2019t have to be a prostitute.
\nNo no no no no.
\nYou can say no to being a night-look, a boy hook,
\nA rent boy bro-pro.<\/p>\n