![\"flight460\"](\"http:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/02\/flight4601.jpg\" "\\"flight460\\"")
<\/p>\n<\/p>\n
We should start by rechristening this one \u201cI love Jemaine,\u201d because really, I love Jemaine. And never more so than when something is smacking him in the face. We are both funny that way. Bret, on the other hand, is funny in the way that he\u2019s willing to insult not five but seven famed rap artists in the course of an approximately 26-second number during yet another gig at the local library. (A number that also includes an approximately 1.5-second bass solo by Jemaine and is notable for having only one lyric\u2014\u201c______ is not very good\u201d\u2014and a single variation on that lyric: \u201cBut the Rhymenoceros is very, very good.\u201d)<\/p>\n
I guess it\u2019s safe to assume they returned that library cushion they stole earlier, but that is the least of their worries because, as Murray points out at the subsequent band meeting, Bret has now dissed an awful lot of rappers. (\u201cSnoopy! What\u2019s your problem with him?\u201d) He then goes on to hurt poor Greg\u2019s feelings over the broken intercom whilst explaining to Bret how to diss someone properly, in private, so as not to hurt their feelings. First tip: do it privately!<\/p>\n
Insert: \u201cHurt Feelings\u201d<\/em> Finally, Murray warns Bret that if he continues dissing rappers, they\u2019ll hurt more than his feelings: they\u2019ll hurt his pretty little brain! And then he tells them both to scram.<\/p>\n The Conchords head off to pick up some sage street advice from Dave, who informs them that in the United States, rapper rivalries typically result in death\u2014\u201cOr worse.\u201d (\u201cIsn\u2019t it the same way with rappers back in Newfoundland?\u201d I love Dave.) Luckily the only other rapper in New Zealand is Steve, who as Bret points out is actually a lovely guy. But Dave\u2019s not finished; the \u201cworse than death\u201d part? Is getting your whole body chopped off, leaving only your dick behind. Both Jemaine and I scratch our heads at that one, but Bret has heard enough. He is off to start his own gang, and starts by taping his own sign to light poles about town, reading \u201cGANG MEMBERS WANTED: experience essential, fighting skills preferable.\u201d Weaving skills optional, apparently.<\/p>\n Come Monday, and Bret is busy interviewing potential gang members, starting with the aged and possibly crazy Johnny Boy, who is played by Seymour Cassel and whom we also know as the great Bert Fischer in \u201cRushmore\u201d and Dusty the elevator doctor in \u201cThe Royal Tenenbaums.\u201d Johnny Boy brings with him plenty of previous gang experience, including stints with the Snake Eyes, the Duckies, the Cuckoos, the Vampires, the Pharaohs, the Ballroom Dancers, the Hobo Lords, the Little Enchanters, the Monkey Lords, the Rockers, the Gentleman Jims, the Tsars, the Stars, and the Mighty Midgets from Queens. \u201cThey\u2019re all gangs, Big Daddy!\u201d I\u2019m not sure Johnny Boy is all there, frankly, or that any of these gangs ever existed, but I like the cut of this bird\u2019s jib, and so does Bret. Hired!<\/p>\n Ditto Mr. and Mrs. Li from the Internet caf\u00e9 downstairs, who mostly want the gang\u2019s help in scaring off teen vandals, and Dave, who tells Bret that he was once a Navy SEAL and can make a weapon from just about any garden implement you can think of. Especially a watering can tied to a hose. (\u201cWhat\u2019s that, Officer? No, just watering the geroniums.\u201d Again: love Dave, love Dave\u2019s fluid fix on languages.)<\/p>\n Meanwhile, back in the elevator of the New Zealand Consulate, Murray is busy getting dissed by a nasty trio from the Australian Consulate, of all places, who tease him about New Zealand\u2019s lack of mineral exports for \u201908\u2013\u201909. And now Murray is pissed! You\u2019re pulling the wrong tit there, boy-o\u2019s, is what he is thinking as he struggles to extract himself from the elevator, after they’ve safely exited.<\/p>\n Tuesday: gang meeting! Bret and the Tough Brets gather at Bret\u2019s apartment to review his nonexistent death threats and outline a superfluous defense schedule. From what I can tell, this works out to coverage by Johnny Boy till 8:00 p.m., with Dave coming on at 6:00 (except weekends) and the Li\u2019s during lunch and after 7:00. Dave also offers to weaponize gardening gloves for everybody. No takers there, but most of them are up for a cup of tea, and it looks like we are once again playing fast and loose with the ol\u2019 cup roster.<\/p>\n Meanwhile, Jemaine is out walking the streets alone when Mel and Doug pull up to drop off a ferociously scary piece of handmade fan art, painted by Mel and featuring Jemaine. And here it seems safe to say that the wrong guy started a gang, and in defense of the wrong thing, because: yikes. It takes a second for Jemaine to even recognize himself in this painting, and yet he is able to register the appropriate degree of horror and disbelief mixed in with the fear and pride. \u201cYou should hang it on your wall, so you can see how strong and powerful you are,\u201d Mel says. And exactly how short his shorts are, I guess. Then she tells him that she had to toss the one she made of Bret due to some overly sexual crotchiness about the crotch. I say it twice: yikes. Also, where can I buy my copy?<\/p>\n Anyway, this is leading up to my very favorite scene of all, which is the face smacking. As he opens the door to his apartment, while holding a bag full of groceries, a perfectly oblivious Jemaine is 1) whacked in the face with a broom by Johnny Boy, 2) slapped from behind by Mrs. Li, 3) hit in the face by Dave via \u201ccan attack,\u201d and finally\u2014after a moment of reprieve\u20144) slapped in the face by Mr. Li, who is crouching in the kitchen cupboard and to whom he then hands a box of cereal. Together they are all protecting Bret, who has been hiding in the ceiling all day on the off chance that Missy Elliot stops by to chop off his body.<\/p>\n Band meeting. First up: Murray has heard \u201cfrom one of the band\u201d that Bret has started a gang! Furthermore, this same source has reported that Jemaine was recently the victim of a surprise gang attack! Jemaine says nothing, but Bret seems able to infer the identity of this so-called \u201csource\u201d all on his own. And Jemaine is mostly hurt that he was never invited into the gang. (Doesn\u2019t Bret know about his fighting skills? Too bad he was busy eating that sandwich when Jemaine wrestled Todd in the park last season.)<\/p>\n Murray tells Bret it\u2019s over: \u201cThis gang is disbandoned!\u201d Which could mean several things, and makes me think that perhaps Murray has no native language. Then he and Bret debate, in a circuitous way, whether or not Bret should have a gang at all. Murray says no; Bret says yes. Jemaine also says yes. Then Greg shows up to invite Murray to the Australian Consulate cocktail party, but Murray will only go if he can take a Conchord along with him, which is the type of deal I would also like to make. Then he tells a neat little morality tale about his own childhood \u201cbikey gang\u201d\u2014which consisted of his brother Graeme, his father Gordon, and Murray as the bag boy\u2014but this also fails to dissuade Bret. And so the Tough Brets live to fight another day.<\/p>\n Too bad Bret\u2019s gang time leaves Jemaine on his own again, and he bikes up to their building just as Mel is digging through the garbage. Where she finds her horrible painting of Jemaine: \u201cI noticed that the fan art I painted for you is out on the stoop near the garbage.\u201d I like that; her artful dodging of the obvious reminds me of Michael Scott sometimes. And just like Pam, Jemaine is incapable of hurting anybody\u2019s feelings, so he tells her that Bret was jealous: in fact, \u201cHe went apeshit.\u201d Never suspecting that Mel will make things better by taking the fan art with her in order to make it much, much worse.<\/p>\n Thursday: Murray arrives at the cocktail party with his Plus One, or in this case Jemaine, who is wearing a denim blazer that is conveniently three or four sizes too small for his frame. He\u2019s also wearing a tie, which is cute, and has only tagged along for the free cheese. Thus he does not suspect that he will be picked on by Murray\u2019s nasty trio of Australians, who guess that he is either Murray\u2019s wife, girlfriend, or Miss New Zealand. But while Jemaine is too distracted by all the cheese and grapes to care, Murray insists on running and squealing to the Australian ambassador, who unfortunately is up on his Miss New Zealand jokes, too. (\u201cIs that true?\u201d he asks Jemaine, when Murray points out that Jemaine is a man.) Even Greg laughs along at that one.<\/p>\n Insert: \u201cHurt Feelings\u201d (reprise)<\/em> Friday. Bret and Dave are on rapper patrol out on the street, sitting in Dave\u2019s car while they undergo a serious discussion of rappers who\u2019ve starred in movies and TV, and during which they completely overlook the two teenage punks who are in the process of vandalizing the Li\u2019s internet caf\u00e9. Also on the streets in another part of town are Jemaine, Murray, and Greg, who run into the nasty Australian trio and saunter up for a confrontation. Both Bret and Murray decide\u2014independently yet simultaneously\u2014that it\u2019s time for a throwdown, West Side Story<\/em>-style. (You will probably need to watch this several times in order to appreciate Murray serious balletic chops.)<\/p>\n Insert: Stay Cool<\/em> Unfortunately, Bret\u2019s throwdown has no effect on the teenage punks, one of whom kicks him in the shin. Fortunately he is not afraid to kick back, and the kids take off running while Johnny Boy flips his lid: \u201cYou just kicked a kid! You could get 10 years for that!\u201d Also fortunately, he knows of a hideout where he, Bret, and Dave can hide out till this blows over. Also unfortunately, said hideout (which belonged to the Dapper Dukes back in \u201958), is no longer in existence, which sort of takes the shine off old Johnny Boy altogether. Thus he tenders his gang resignation, effective immediately, calling Bret \u201cLittle Louie\u201d as he wanders sadly away.<\/p>\n Back home, Bret and Dave are summing up their losses when Jemaine returns to find that Mel\u2019s fan art has reappeared and is now hanging on the wall in the kitchen. Likewise he is alarmed to see that it has grown 1000 times worse in its brief absence, since Mel has somewhat hastily inserted Bret (who like Jemaine is\u00a0 shirtless, short-shorted, and weirdly over-muscled), and positioned him so that he is both standing behind Jemaine and hugging him around the waist. Jemaine snatches the painting from the wall with an \u201cugh\u201d and heads back out to the trash. (\u201cHow come I\u2019m wearing gun boots?\u201d Bret says to his back.) Only Mel is still lurking about, stalking the garbage bins, and Jemaine is forced to tells her he\u2019s taking the painting for a walk. To show the neighborhood. Mel just could not be more thrilled, and would love to tag along: \u201cI\u2019m proud of it too!\u201d she crows, and they march off together, \u201cfor a big art opening around the block!\u201d<\/p>\n Back upstairs, the cops have come calling. Dave panics and insists that he’s not going back to the Big House, hustling out the window while Bret answers the door. My stars, tangling with the law two weeks in a row! Bret hasn\u2019t gotten any better at lying since the whole tea cup prostitution deal, either, and doesn\u2019t even try when the cops tell him somebody in the neighborhood kicked a kid. \u201cYeah, it was me. That was my gang,\u201d he admits, while behind him we see Dave fall backwards off the window ledge. The car alarm sounds when he hits the street below, just as the cop tells Bret to stay cool and not kick any more children. (This he follows up with \u201cWe\u2019ll let this go, because we don\u2019t like that particular kid,\u201d which is definitely the best thing I\u2019ve heard a cop say in a while.) Bret closes the door and steps back inside while the car alarm continues to wail.<\/p>\n Saturday: the Conchords and Murray visit Dave in the hospital, where he\u2019s lying in traction with a broken arm and leg. He tells Bret that he\u2019s leaving the gang. And, since Johnny Boy quit and the Li\u2019s have decamped for Taiwan\u2014where their son Phang just graduated from dental school\u2014Bret is now officially a gang of one. Leading him to finally invite Jemaine and Murray to join, which is what they\u2019ve both been pining for all along. That is, until Dave advises Jemaine to quit, which he immediately agrees to do, meaning his gang affiliation lasted approximately two seconds longer than his library bass solo. And of course once Jemaine is out, Bret is out. Not Murray, though. Murray stands tall, alone: \u201cI\u2019m the gang. I\u2019m the Tough Brets,\u201d he announces. Which, alas, is just as it should be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We should start by rechristening this one \u201cI love Jemaine,\u201d because really, I love Jemaine. And never more so than when something is smacking him in the face. We are both funny that way. Bret, on the other hand, is funny in the way that he\u2019s willing to insult not five but seven famed rap […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[33,39],"class_list":["post-795","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-flight-of-the-conchords","tag-hbo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/795","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=795"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/795\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=795"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=795"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=795"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\nSome people say that rappers don\u2019t have feelings\u2014
\nWe have feelings. (We have feelings.)
\nSome people say that we are not rappers. (We\u2019re rappers.)
\nThat hurts our feelings. (Hurts our feelings when you say we\u2019re not rappers.)
\nSome people say that rappers are invincible\u2014
\nWe\u2019re vincible. (We\u2019re vincible.)
\nWhat you ae about to hear are true stories,
\nReal experiences,
\nAutobiographical raps.
\nThings that happened to us\u2014 All true\u2014
\nBring the rhyme!
\nI make a meal for my friends,
\nTry to make it delicious,
\nTry to keep it nutritious,
\nCreate wonderful dishes.
\nNot one of them thinks about the way I feel,
\nNobody compliments the meal.
\nI got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
\nI feel like a prize asshole,
\nNo one even mentions my casserole.
\nI got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
\nYou coulda said something nice about my profiteroles.
\nHere\u2019s a little story to bring a tear to your eye,
\nI was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba dive,
\nBut every suit I tried is too big around the thighs,
\nAnd the assistant suggested I try a ladies\u2019 size!
\nI got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
\nI\u2019m not gonna wear a ladies\u2019 wetsuit\u2014I\u2019m a man!
\nI got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
\nGet me a small man\u2019s wetsuit, please.
\nIt\u2019s my birthday, 2003,
\nWaitin\u2019 for a call from my family\u2014
\nThey forgot about me!
\nI got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
\nThe day after my birthday is not my birthday, Mum!
\nI call my friends and say, \u201cLet\u2019s go into town,\u201d
\nBut they\u2019re all too busy to go into town.
\nSo I go by myself, I go into town,
\nThen I see all my friends, they\u2019re all in town.
\nI got hurt feelings, I got hurt feelings.
\nThey\u2019re all lined up to watch that movie, \u201cMaid in Manhattan.\u201d
\nHave you even been told that your ass is too big?
\nHave you ever been asked if your hair is a wig?
\nHave you ever been told you\u2019re mediocre in bed?
\nHave you ever been told you\u2019ve got a weird-shaped head?
\nHas your family ever forgotten you and driven away?
\nOnce again, they forgot about J!
\nWere you ever called \u201chomo\u201d \u2018cuz at school you took drama?
\nHave you ever been told that you look like a llama?
\nTears of a rapper (tears of a rapper),
\nI\u2019m crying tears of a rapper\u2026
\nTears of a rapper\u2026<\/p>\n
\nMurray: I\u2019ve got hurt feelings, I\u2019ve got hurt feelings.
\nMurray and Mel: I\u2019ve got hurt feelings, I\u2019ve got hurt feelings.
\nMurray and Doug: I\u2019ve got hurt feelings, I\u2019ve got hurt feelings.
\nMurray and Greg: I\u2019ve got hurt feelings, I\u2019ve got hurt feelings.
\nMurray: Have you ever been made fun of because of where you were from?
\nMurray and Greg: Have you ever been dissed over the intercom?
\nMurray and Mel: Have you ever found a gift you\u2019ve given thrown away?
\nMurray and Doug: Have you ever been told that you\u2019re the wrong shape?
\nMurray and Jemaine: Have you ever been told you\u2019re Miss New Zealand?
\nMurray and Jemaine: Have you ever had hurt feelings?<\/p>\n
\nStay cool, Bret. Stay cool.
\nStay cool, Bret.
\nBret, cool your jets, don\u2019t sweat.
\nDon\u2019t flip, don\u2019t get upset.
\nBret, let \u2019em go, daddy-o.
\nListen Bret, the kid\u2019s not a threat.
\nNot gonna sleep till I found him.
\nI\u2019ll pound him,
\nI\u2019ll bet he regrets that he ever messed with Bret from the Tough Brets.
\nStay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
\nStay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
\nStay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
\nStay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool.
\nStay cool, Murray. Stay cool, Murray.
\nStay cool, Murray. What\u2019s the hurry?
\nHello Murray, glad I caught ya.
\nWho\u2019s this? Your daughter?
\nYour girlfriend looks great, you want a date?
\nJust pullin\u2019 your tit, mate.
\nStay! Cool!
\nI\u2019ll bet you regret you ever messed with Bret and the Tough Brets!
\nStay cool! POW!<\/p>\n