is in fact a real thing<\/a>. Bret\u2019s first question is \u201cDid you run away?\u201d but he\u2019s not actually alarmed until Jemaine tells him that he\u2019s trapped in the apartment of a potential Australian. Bret\u2019s helpful advice? Jump out the window and \u201cdo one of those dive rolls when you land.\u201d And Jemaine is all ready to dive and roll when Australia Girl strolls into the kitchen and hits him with a \u201cG\u2019day.\u201d Ew, definitely Australian. She follows that up by licking the inside of her own mouth and saying, \u201cJesus, I got a tongue like a badger\u2019s asshole.\u201d And then she calls him Big J! And just like that, I am officially not so hot on Australians myself. The fact that her name is \u201cKeitha\u201d helps nothing.<\/p>\nNext up is a trip to the local health clinic, where Jemaine sits alone as Bret rushes in wearing his awesome hair helmet. He\u2019s all, Jemaine, WTF? and \u201cDoes she look Australiany?\u201d Not really, says Jemaine, but her accent sounds \u201ckind of like an evil version of our accent.\u201d Did he use protection? \u201cYes, but only on my penis.\u201d And how cute is that? She might have given the rest of him bedbugs or scurvy or something. Bret points at a suspicious red mark on Jemaine\u2019s upper lip and immediately diagnoses \u201cIt\u2019s crabs!\u201d while Jemaine says it’s lipstick, and the dude sitting in the chair next to him slowly inches away.<\/p>\n
Monday<\/strong>. Band meeting! The biscuits they ordered from the New Zealand government have finally arrived, some three weeks later. Or at least Bret\u2019s have: Jemaine\u2019s request was rejected, as he marked down \u201cN\/A\u201d as his purpose for application, I suppose because “Bret bought a new cup\u201d wouldn\u2019t have made much sense. But with a little fatherly prod from Murray, Bret is willing to let Jemaine have one of his, and hands it over while slipping his own into the chest pocket of his nifty striped polo. Yum: stale ginger nuts for later.<\/p>\nAll hell breaks loose, though, when Murray asks for a report on the nightclubbing experience. Jemaine hangs his head in shame while Bret spills on the whole Australian business. Which Murray takes just as badly as you might expect: very, very badly. He tells Jemaine not to listen while he and Bret confab, so Jemaine turns in his chair to stare at the wall.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe we should banish him,” Murray tells Bret. \u201cCast him off, you know? Never speak of him again. Just for a couple of days.\u201d That\u2019s kind of a sad plan, actually, which they abandon almost immediately in order to focus on their biggest concern, which is whether or not she might have mocked Jemaine\u2019s accent. Consensus: she might have! \u201cThey\u2019re tricky,\u201d Murray says. Then he goes on to confuse Australians with Australian mermaids, who used to lure sailors to their watery graves and are, I believe, more accurately known as \u201cSirens\u201d and not necessarily Australian, but whatever. Jemaine doesn\u2019t take it very well when Murray asks if he\u2019s got his wallet, and his voices rises into serious girl territory when he says, \u201cYes, I\u2019ve got my wallet!\u201d<\/p>\n
Except Keitha has his wallet. And of course he goes around knocking on her door, and of course she\u2019s got his wallet right there in her back pocket, and of course he\u2019ll go in for a cup of tea, because tea is his albatross. He\u2019s also still hoping that somehow she\u2019s not actually Australian, so he quizzes her on the ol\u2019 family tree, only to learn that not only are all of her relatives deeply Australian, but in fact mostly criminals, including a great-great-grandfather who met her great-great grandmother (a prostitute) when he raped her. Finally she gets bored enough to proposition him with this romantic come-on: \u201cYou\u2019ve got two options: A) sit around here asking me stupid questions, or B) get in that bedroom and root me again.\u201d Wow! Talk to your mother with that mouth? I\u2019m guessing yeah. And it sounds like her mother probably likes it. As does Jemaine, apparently, because he chooses Option B.<\/p>\n
Nighttime<\/strong>. Jemaine is lying alone in his own bed, trying to write a new song for his new girl: \u201cDo Australians feel love? Are they capable of love? Do they even know what they\u2019re speaking of?\u201d He calls out to Bret five or six times, which finally wakes Bret. \u201cCan I ask you a question?\u201d Jemaine asks. Bret asks if it can wait till morning, and Jemaine says sure, and then he freezes there in approximately the same position until morning, when he calls Bret\u2019s name out five or six more times and finally wakes him up. Which is another one of those weird, meaningless little details that reward nerds like me, who live in the details.<\/p>\nQuestion: \u201cWhat would you think if I did go out with that Australian?\u201d Bret can\u2019t believe he\u2019s even considering it, and reminds Jemaine that \u201cWhen we met, you tried to have me deported from New Zealand \u2018cause you thought I was an Australian.\u201d Misunderstanding! says Jemaine: \u201cYou were wearing a vest top.\u201d Which Bret\u2019s mother told him made him look like Bruce Willis. Jemaine claims that Keitha would never be his girlfriend anyway, except then suddenly it\u2019s\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2026Tuesday<\/strong>, and Bret and Murray are sitting at a Chinese restaurant when Jemaine arrives to introduce them to Keitha. HIS GIRLFRIEND. Who has dressed him up just like the late Steve Irwin, and I can\u2019t even complain because he has really nice legs. First thing Murray says to Jemaine is \u201cThat\u2019s a man\u2019s name,\u201d (re: Keitha) and then he turns to Keitha to say, \u201cGot quite the accent, don\u2019t you, Kevina?\u201d And let\u2019s pause here while I laugh for a couple more minutes, and give Rhys Darby every single comedic acting award that it\u2019s possible to give, and maybe throw in a Nobel Peace Prize while we\u2019re at it. The guy is amazing. Especially when Keitha tells him that her mother thinks she talks like Marilyn Monroe now, and he says, \u201cYeah, I suppose, if you squint your ears.\u201d So we\u2019ll probably have to throw in one of them Pulitzers, too.<\/p>\nWhen she leaves to use the restroom (after calling Murray \u201cMuzza\u201d and Jemaine \u201cSweetcocks\u201d), Murray tells Jemaine it\u2019s gotta stop: what about the children? \u201cThey\u2019ll become aberrations, won\u2019t they?\u201d Meaning \u201cAborigines.\u201d Jemaine\u2019s not backing down, although he does sit up straight when Murray tells him to stop slouching. Murray and Bret want to escape before Keitha returns, out of fear that she\u2019ll ridicule them, and so we get this sweet farewell:<\/p>\n
Bret: \u201cSee you later, Big J.\u201d
\nMurray: \u201cLet\u2019s go, Little B.\u201d
\nBret: \u201cOkay, Little M.\u201d
\nMurray: \u201cMedium M.\u201d<\/p>\n
Wednesday<\/strong>. Bret and Jemaine are sitting in the living room when Bret asks if Jemaine has listened to the \u201canswer phone message.\u201d Jemaine has, but he also knows it\u2019s actually Bret talking like a girl and pretending to be Keitha in order to break up with him. And when he plays the message, that is indeed just what it sounds like. Jemaine is a mite bit peeved, and after they scuffle over Bret\u2019s new hand gloves, he takes off running.<\/p>\nHe ends up, of course, at Keitha\u2019s awful apartment, where a strange Australian girl answers the door and tells him Keitha has moved. Thank god. Only it\u2019s a big fat lie, because there\u2019s Keitha, wandering around right behind her! Turns out Keitha\u2019s roommates aren\u2019t so wild about Jemaine, either, and not just because he\u2019s from New Zealand: \u201cNah, mostly it\u2019s \u2018cause they think you\u2019re a dick. You know, with your dickish glasses and that.\u201d Still, Keitha admits she kinda likes him, and sadly, he feels the same.
\n
\nInsert: Carol Brown \u2013 maybe the best song and the best video and the best Bret dancing ever<\/em>
\nLoretta broke my heart in a letter,
\nShe told me she was leaving and our lives would be better.
\nJoan broke it off over the phone;
\nAfter the tone, she left me alone.
\nJen said she\u2019d never ever see me again,
\nWhen I saw her again, she said it again.
\nJan met another man,
\nLiza got amnesia, just forgot who I am.
\nFelicity said there was no electricity,
\nEmily, no chemistry.
\nFran ran, she turned out to be a man.
\nFlo had to go, I couldn\u2019t go with the flow.
\nCarol Brown just took a bus out of town,
\nBut I\u2019m hoping that you\u2019ll stick around.
\nHe doesn\u2019t cook or clean, he\u2019s not good boyfriend material.
\nOoh-ee, and he eats cereal.
\nHe\u2019ll lose interest fast, his relationships never last.
\nShut up, girlfriends from the past.
\nShe says he\u2019ll do one thing and then he goes and he does another thing.
\nOh, who organized all of my ex-girlfriends into a choir and got them to sing?
\nWho? Who? Mmm, shut up!
\nShut up, girlfriends from the past.
\nMay, May will no longer see me.
\nBritney, Britney hit me.
\nPaula, Persephone, Stella and Stephanie,
\nThere must be fifty ways that lovers have left me.
\nCarol Brown just took a bus out of town.
\nLove is a delicate thing, it could just float away on a breeze\u2014
\nHe said the same thing to me.
\nHow can we ever know we found the right person in this world?
\nHe means he looks at other girls.
\nLove is a mystery, it does not follow a rule.
\nThis guys is a fool, he\u2019ll always be a boy.
\nHe\u2019s a man who never grew up\u2014
\nI thought I told you to shut up.
\nLola, you told me you were in a coma.
\nTiffany, you said that you had an epiphany.
\nMmm, would you like a little cereal?
\nWho organized this choir of ex-girlfriends?
\nWas it you, Carol Brown, was it you, Carol Brown?
\nCarol Brown just took a bus out of town,
\nBut I\u2019m hoping that you\u2019ll stick around.
\nStick around\u2026<\/p>\nMurray and Bret go looking for Jemaine at Dave\u2019s pawn shop, where they stumble into some initial confusion over exactly which Conchord Jemaine actually is, since Dave isn\u2019t so sure. But Jemaine is lost, and Dave hasn\u2019t seen him, so Murray and Bret take off right before Jemaine and Keitha pop out of a back room. Intrigue! Dave tells them he thinks it\u2019s cool that they\u2019re in love, \u201cEven if you\u2019re from Austria, and you\u2019re from some place no one\u2019s even fuckin\u2019 heard of.\u201d Plus it shouldn\u2019t matter where you\u2019re from, as long as you\u2019re in love: \u201cIt\u2019s like that movie, Interracial Hole Stretchers II.<\/em> She was white, and they were black. But it didn\u2019t matter in the end, did it? \u2018Cause they were in love.\u201d And so am I, with Dave.<\/p>\nKeitha leaves to pack, since she and Jemaine are running off together. To New Jersey. To elope! (Where\u2019s Mel, by the way?) For some reason Dave thinks this is another awesome idea: \u201cI\u2019d love to go there,\u201d he tells Jemaine sadly. \u201cBut I\u2019ve got a lotta shit going on in the States right now.\u201d Then he tells Jemaine not to drink the water in Jersey, which is a pretty sweet parting gift.
\n
\nCut to: <\/strong>Jemaine standing at some end of Central Park, waiting with a suitcase and his bass. Hours pass, and it grows dark. He waits. Sad. Rejected. Finally he picks up his crap and approaches a horse-drawn carriage, asking the driver if he\u2019s seen an Australian girl. Nope. Jemaine thinks for a moment, then says, mostly to himself: \u201cShe said she\u2019d done it before.\u201d Which doesn\u2019t sound like great news, does it? He jumps aboard the carriage and tells the driver to take him straight to Chinatown: \u201cAnd do not delay, sir!\u201d Except the horse can\u2019t leave Central Park, the driver tells him. Which is exactly what Jemaine deserves for being so bossy just then. So he takes off running instead.<\/p>\nChinatown<\/strong>: Jemaine opens the door to his dark apartment, stepping inside to see that it\u2019s totally empty. Wiped clean. Bereft. He’s been Australianed! He turns on the light and the door swings shut to reveal poor Bret, who is strapped to the back of it in a sort of mummy suit of duct tape. \u201cBret!\u201d says Jemaine. \u201cHave you seen Keitha?\u201d Bret says she robbed them: \u201cHer and her friends jumped me, then taped me to the door!\u201d And didn\u2019t say a single thing about Jemaine. \u201cI\u2019m not sure about her and me,\u201d Jemaine says, shaking his head. Bret asks if he can have his sandwich, which Jemaine picks up off the floor and sticks in one of his hands. \u201cCan I get a hug?\u201d Jemaine asks. Bret says no, but Jemaine hugs him anyway. \u201cI\u2019m not participating in this hug,\u201d Bret tells him, until Jemaine starts to cry, at which point Bret pats him on the head with his freakin\u2019 fabulous sandwich. Damn it, I love this show.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Saturday. We open on Murray driving the boys to a disco club. Why? Nobody\u2019s saying. But we are all loving it. Except for Jemaine, who\u2019d rather go watch a video, and Bret, who would prefer \u201ca sleep,\u201d and thus they are both crouching down in the backseat and looking horrified when Murray pulls up to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":5,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"activitypub_content_warning":"","activitypub_content_visibility":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[33,39],"class_list":["post-920","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-reviews","tag-flight-of-the-conchords","tag-hbo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/920","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/5"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=920"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/920\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=920"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=920"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.dreamloom.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=920"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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